Through this journey she didn't have a single family member or relative to accompany her. She traveled on a ship across the Atlantic Ocean for 14 days seeking the American dream. My grandmother, whom I refer to as Nonna, came to America from Italy at the age of 16. I fully embrace my Italian heritage everyday and I am proud of it. (Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce.) This might not sound enjoyable for some people, but I love it. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( ) I enjoyed the edit made by SyntaxVoidThreads therefore, I will keep it. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. Your essay is nice, but needs some revising. I'm only a high school student though, so I wouldn't say I have the "expert" opinionĪll right. But I would take this to your college counselor, as even though it may seem intimidating, they really do help A LOT. In your last paragraph you stated "I will be an asset to your school." One thing my teachers always tell me is to show, not tell. Except for one thing maybe try to avoid "I am"s or "I will"s. I really like your ending paragraph, though. Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce. Especially at those hectic family dinners where everyone is crowded over the stove in the kitchen making lasagna, meatballs, and homemade sauce. While growing up in an Italian family sometimes things can get a bit crazy. And maybe re-word your very first sentence, it comes off as sort of awkward. I think you might be able to combine the first two sentences with a comma. I hope that you will consider me as an appropriate candidate to attend your school in the near future.įirst paragraph, I don't know about you, but to me it seems a little bit fragment-y. As a student at your college I will be an asset to your institution and do my best every day to make you proud as I would want to make my own family proud. My family has always pushed me harder to strive in my education. For the past thirteen years I have worked extremely hard knowing that one day I will be writing this essay in the hopes of living the dream that my Nonna, mother, and father could not. I will be the first person to attend college in my family and that gives me an even better reason to become a Gator. Like my Nonna, both of my parents entered the work force at young ages and unfortunately neither of them were able to attend college. Although my Nonna's dream of an education had been lost she always supported me in everything I did. Over the years my Nonna had grown into a very independent and strong woman raising my mother and two aunts as a single mother with two jobs. My Nonna was a very smart student coming from Italy but she had a hard time understanding her teachers and classmates because of the language barrier, therefore she had to drop out of school and find a job in order to support herself. Once in America she was put into a boarding home with other girls her age in New York. In hopes of escaping her homeland which had been neglected by the attacks of World War two, the image of America became her sanctuary. This might not sound enjoyable for some people, but I love it. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. Please let me know what you think of this essay and how I can fix it grammatically and story wise. Some constructive criticism would be nice. I have recently been working on this college application essay, and of course they can be stressful so I need some insight from peers.
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